Kris and the City

Sarasota livin'

2008-04-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I got an internship.
It was somewhat of a surprise and now I'm readying myself to move to Florida.
I didn't want to go at first — I had purposely applied to like five places, turning my face to the industry and adulthood. But, like all things in life, things didn't work out like I'd planned. I'm excited to go; I'm living with my grandparents, which will be relaxing. Hopefully I'll get some time off from drinking, sex and the craziness that has been this semester.
I also am mixed about leaving because I had hoped to find someone, at least for a little while. Having lived in a Sarasota swirl for the past several weeks, I'd put that aside, but, just like before, something popped up and hit me in the face.
A guy who I dated, had things broken off with and then began, um, having a few relations with, was over, we were doing our thing when it happened. He dropped an L-bomb on me. I was so stunned I had nothing to say. Of course he was like "Oh, that's not what I meant to say...umm..." and very flustered. But, it opened my box of emotions again. I'll see how things pan out in the future, but I'm hopeful we see where things go.
Well, I'm almost ready to start my summer and here goes nothing.

New year, no plan

2008-01-01T23:28:00.000-08:00

This is the year of wants.
I know that might sound childish, but I've sacrificed a lot to many different things in 2007. Now, it's time to take some time for me. I've come back different. Every few years, I feel like a part of me dies and comes back to life, changed in some way. Professionally, I'm where I want to be. Personally, I'm not sure what I want. I've decided to take this year, not do an internship, focus on school, myself and work at The State News. I'm making more room in my life to live, instead of running from one thing to the next, with no time to think. I'm going up north this summer. I'm open to the idea of a relationship. I'm open to the idea of walking away from it all and doing something completely different. I've come to the conclusion there is no right or wrong way to do your life, there are only different paths that take you to different places. When I first started college, I had mapped out each semester, marking my graduation this spring. I laugh at the thought of leaving MSU this semester, because I'm not ready to start my life. I still have a few things left to try and do before I go. I feel like I've stepped back from my life, and am taking a breath. I push and push until I break through to want I want. Having done that with my career, I've been left with questions about my personal life and what I want to come next. I feel older, much older.
I'm excited to see what this year brings me and the things I'll learn. I've never been very good at operating without a clear plan, but here it goes.

I'm off to see the Wizard

2007-12-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

I'm back!
No, not to the blogging world. I'm back home, and couldn't be happier to be here. After doing the DC thing, it's time for me to be 21 and free for a while.
I hated 2007 - I don't think that was a secret to anyone who knows me. What was a year filled with achievements also was a year filled with setbacks. My personal life basically fell apart at the beginning of the year, and it was up and down from there. Barring no more cancer or car accidents, I've vowed to do everything I want to in 2008. That includes basically being a student, not taking things so seriously and having way more fun. I've got my resume down, it's time to let go of all that was last year and my past.
I've also come to realize I'm not going along with this high school recreation that I've been living in. Coming back from DC has allowed me to see that some things have not changed, and it's time to put my past in the past. This is my last stint in college and it will be mine - if you aren't moving forward, you're going to be left behind. I've got a new job, new house and people I'm going to reconnect with.
I'm essentially cleaning my life out and couldn't be happier. I feel like I've had this burden lifted and am now seeing things clearly.
Here's to '08, which will be great! Even if I have to kill someone to get it that way.

Not for me

2007-10-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

The jury is in, and it's official.
I don't belong in Washington. I assumed when I moved here it would have the same feel as New York City — chic, stylish, fun, free, open and gritty — but I was taken back by the way people live here. Washington is not a city where people are open, free and live. They are repressed behind their suits, shirts, ties and formalities. No one is strutting down the street the way New Yorkers do. After going to New York City for the first time in high school, I knew I was in love. The city was warm and the people were connected. Washington is a city of commuters. The people here aren't real.
This weekend, in particular, made me realize I am New York, not Washington. I had lunch with Jon and he was talking to me about an upcoming business trip to New York. He talked about the visit as if it were going to be a painful experience. He told me how he didn't like New York because it was dirty. I quickly responded that the city is chic, and while parts are dirty, it's real. No false persona, no pretending. It is what it is. Then Jon began talking about Washington and how frenemies are necessary to life here. I wanted to throw up. It was then I realized I wasn't meant to be here, and how some people love living here. This city is fake, a game of smoke an mirrors. All talk and no play. Well, I decided a long time ago I was in the game of life to live and experience, and this place isn't what I want for myself. I want to live somewhere fashionable, where the people are real and connected by a sense of community. I like being part of a larger community, it's something that's important to me as a journalist and person.
Hopefully next summer I'll be somewhere fun, away from fake cities and fake people.
I'm too real for this shit. After all, I didn't spend the last four years figuring out who I am to lose it to this city.

What you know about me?

2007-10-23T09:06:00.003-07:00

Nothing.
In the spring, things are getting reinvented and back to the KT roots. After a year of falling apart and putting myself back together, I'm done. The pieces are in place, and I can firmly say I'm a little older, wiser and ready for action. Everything I want is within my reach and all I have to do is reach out and touch it.
My time in DC has made me really think about what I want and how I want to live my life. The elements that I enjoy - boys, parties, shopping, going out - never has to stop. When I graduate, should I ever get there, I want to live in a place where I can be a journalist by day and the KT I've come to love at night. I didn't realize it until this semester, but it's important for me to lead an active social life. If I don't, my life is boring, and then so am I. And that's not something I'm down with.
So, in short, be ready for the spring.
Boys, money and booze to the extreme.
Along with working at the Snews and school of course.
Here's to one hell of a time!

Smooching

2007-09-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

What's in a kiss?
A kiss is a way to judge someone. When at a party, bar or out on the scene, I often find men I enjoy kissing are good in bed, while, the men who don't kiss well, leave something to be desired (comeplete and utter satisfaction). When I think back on my laundry list of kisses, I have some good, bad and mixed memories.
I remember when I first learned to kiss early on in college. It was with a girl, which was an awkward situation in itself. I found that kiss to be light, almost friendly. Later, as I was pleased to discover, men kiss differently. We are more agressive and tend to use our tougnes more. Personally, the more aggressive the kiss, the more I want the man (as long as I don't get tougne raped, that's just gross). When I dated Dave, we would kiss, somewhat agressivley. We were in a lip-lock for a total of three weeks. Then, like the kiss, the relationship had gotten routine and we both moved on to other lips. In that time, I've been licked (on my face, not a good lick at all), bitten and slobbered on. None of that has slowed me from finding a man with an open mouth - since moving to Washington, I've been kissing many men, some very good, some really bad.
A kiss is a wonderful way to tell you'd like to invite a gentleman caller home for the evening. It's true, some don't kiss when they hookup. I find this rediculous.
If I'm going to bag someone, I want the whole package, and a kiss is a great way to get a sample.

Washington wishes and political dreams

2007-09-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I've arrived.
It's my third week here in good old DC, and let me tell you, the first few weeks weren't easy. I was initially shocked by how rude people are here, but I've gotten over that. Last week, I fell in the subway while taking a massive amount of groceries home, and no one offered to help. And as far as the men here go, they are just average. Not bad, but not too good. I need more time to do an indepth study. Yes, that was meant to be dirty.
Now, on to the important part. The job.
I love working here. It's everything I could want and hope for in my professional life. I've learned a ton in the first three weeks and seen most of Capitol Hill. I've written a ton and can't wait to do more.
I'm going to NYC this weekend and visiting Beth. I also plan to shop like no tomorrow, and get some new Hills-inspired sunglasses.
Here's to the good times ahead and no more falling in the subway.

P.S.

I miss everyone at home. You'll see me passing out at parties soon enough.

San Diego journhomo love

2007-09-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

I had a great time in San Diego.
I was so scared before I went — I have performance anxiety. When I enter reporter mode, all my fears melt away. But before I do something, I have a lot lot of fears and thoughts. I'm glad everything went well. Being an editor taught me more than I could have imagined — these last 8 months have made me a stronger journalist and person.
Professionally, the conference was everything I hoped. Personally, I didn't achieve a few goals, but I have time in D.C. for that.
Also, it was great to see everyone from last year. I really love those people.
I had a blast, the town is great.
I'm hoping for more of the same in D.C.

An after thought

2007-08-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

Why wasn't I good enough?
It's a question that has remained on my mind for several years. It haunts me less than it used to — no longer an all consuming question, it pops into my head from time to time.
As I ready myself to head to Washington, I wonder if old wounds will open, if I've learned enough to stop myself from doing anything that could compromise me once more.
The truth is, I've been closed for the last several few years. No one has penetrated me. Yes, there have been crushes, and yes, I've liked a few guys, but never to the extent of my past. I haven't had my stomach flip in years and I often wonder if it ever will again. I long for the day when I see a man and I can't help but feel that rush again — the one where your stomach hovers in your chest and you become short of breath. Perhaps I'm too jaded.
Over dinner a few nights ago, my friend's mother said that she thought I would meet the love of my life in Washington. I was taken back, because, although I plan to play the field and have fun, I wasn't sure I'd be able to open myself again, especially there. Her words have stayed with me for the past few days and I wonder if there will be any truth to them. Sure, I'll date, but will I ever really put myself out there?
After the last year, dealing with the cancer, being an editor raising my grade point average, I left little time for anyone other than friends to occupy my life — it was a move I made on purpose, so that I would be protected from other people. There is a part of me that wants to be open, but another that wishes to stay solid and protected — being open means I'm vulnerable, something I've never been good at.
Will D.C. bring out a side of me that I've tucked away? Will I fall into old habits despite knowing better?
Only time will tell.

New city, new job

2007-08-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Well, things are winding down.
I'm moving to Washington, D.C. in a few weeks to start my internship — I'm excited, but nervous. I'm worried about not being able to go home when I'm worn out and stressed. I'm worried about buying groceries and getting them back to my apartment. I'm worried that some friendships back home will fall apart. The work I will be doing is exactly what I set out to do when I came to college — I remember thinking to myself as an intern that I would go to D.C. some day, and be a political reporter. After doing Capitol, I thought I wasn't interested, but, as with life, I found my way back to politics. This job is extremely exciting and I can't wait to hit the town. I really don't have any professional reservations, they are all personal. I'm a senior this year, and it's weird. I've been in college for four years and am getting ready to finish up in these last two years (hey, I'm taking a fifth year, don't kill me). Some people around my are changing, some for the better, and others for the worse. I feel like some friends are slipping away, and I don't want to chase after them because of the choices they make. The first two years of college were my experimental phase — I found out who I was by pushing all my limits. And now, some people, are just beginning that journey, and I wonder why it took them so long to get there. I don't know what's happening to them, and I'll see how things have changed when I get back from D.C.
I'm sorting my stuff and getting ready for my city life. There are a lot of personal things riding on this experience, and I hope to use it to its full advantage. This job is exactly what I want, I'm just not sure I'll want to come back to Michigan in the end, depending on how things change.
I'll see how it all shakes out.
If it's bad, I feel more internships coming on and finishing my degree while on them.

Not so much me anymore

2007-06-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Everything happens for a reason.
Michael kept uttering that in the car last night, and it made me start to think about 2007, and everything that's happened to me.
My dad got cancer, I didn't do well in school and I came apart — the life and personality I had worked so hard to put together was gone. I began this summer unhappy, for lots of reasons. But I've begun to enjoy things more lately. I'm having fun again, but I realize I want something more. I have a desire to be loved — not in a friendship way, but in a romantic way. I'm not the pillar of solitude I once was. During 2006, I was happy to be single. In fact, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was contented being by myself and doing things alone — I didn't need another person in my life.
But after weathering the spring, I realize I can't do some things by myself. I think that's my lesson from 2007 so far — I can be successful on my own, but I won't necessarily be happy. There is someone I like, but it wouldn't work for many reasons. It seems like every time I meet someone I like (which has happened once this year) I can't be with them because of something.
As I review my life, per my 6 month life review, I have great friends, I'm getting my academics back on track, but I realize I can't go it alone. I'm not the same person I was in 2006, and I need more than just me to make my life complete.

Hot summer in the city?

2007-06-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not enjoying my summer.
All I do is work and go to class — I feel like there is little room left for me in my own life.
So, I'm taking a trip to Indy to see Amy this weekend. It should be fun — I'm looking forward to hitting up pride and having some fun.
After I get, I think I'm going to shake things up a bit. It's time to get out on the gay scene and dance it up. It's also time to make some new friends — I feel like everyone I liked is gone, except Katie, so it's up to me to meet a new crowd. I'm just tired of the turnover, but that's life.
I really wish I was in DC. I want to go start my internship and do something worth while. I miss reporting and being out on the town. I plan on having a lot of fun once I head out of E.L.
This city is done for me. This place has nothing left to discover and it's time to turn it over to the next generation. All I want is to have fun, which I'm not.
Working 50 0r more hours a week isn't for me any more. I'm not as crazy as I was. I'm not chained to my desk or the office ... I'm 20 and all I want to do is be that, nothing more.

With open arms

2007-05-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

I want to run away from my life.
I'm tired of doing the same things. I feel like the excitement that I once felt here is all but gone — there is no more to discover in this city. I'm tired of this place and the people in it. The same issues are brought up time and time again. I'm becoming numb to the people and things around me. I feel like I've wasted part of my college career, slaving away, working 40 or more hours a week. I want to be one of the normal kids. I want to be able to sit outside and have a drink at 3 in the afternoon. This life and the professional standards that come with it can wait.
I'm 20.
This year has sucked. I haven't enjoyed it — I've had moments where I was happy, but I always feel like I'm living the same routine. I get up, shower, go to class and then work. The cycle repeats every day. Although I was fine doing this four years ago, I'm not any more. I think I'm learning about knowing when I'm done.
If my time in East Lansing this year has taught me one thing, it's that I need to get out. Working at The State News has been great, but I feel my time is quickly coming to a close. I was never really sure when I would leave the paper, but, after much thought, I think the spring will be my last semester. The last year I spend in college will be mine. Sure, I'll probably have to work, but not in the capacity that I have for the past several years.
After I do my internship in DC, I'm going to say goodbye to my Snews life and leave it behind. Graduation and my future await and there is no more delaying it.

Summer in the city

2007-05-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I survived the semester from hell.
I'm not out of the woods, yet, but I'm hoping the best.
My dad is going for more testing, to see if the cancer is still there or if it is all gone. I'll just be happy when all this is behind me, because I'm not sure I could weather much more.
Other than that, my life is pretty nice. I'm content and excited to go to DC in the fall.
Maybe I'll find a man along the way. Then again, maybe I won't. Either way, I'm happy.
Peace.

Figuring it out

2007-04-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm on.
2006 wasn't a dating year for me. I kept mostly to myself, only going on a few dates, and was quite happy.
2007 is different. It's like my "I no longer want to be single" light went on and I now want to find a man. I've been trying out some people, and so far, I've had no luck.
So, today, on my drive back home, I began to think about things I value in a man, they are as follows:

-Smart
-Liberal
-Passionate (about whatever they want to do_
-Political
-Reads
-Stylish
-Funny
-Has their shit mostly together
-Hard worker
-Likes going out
-Isn't afraid to stay in

I want to go stand in the rain

2007-03-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's the first real rain of spring today, and I couldn't be happier.
I love the start of spring, because it means something new and fresh is on the way. The water washes away the dirt, salt and grime left by the winter months. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like a number of things are possible. I've met someone who I like, my life seems to be calming and everything is getting back into place.
Since the beginning of this year, I've been on a personal hiatus — the Kris of old took a vacation and a scared and worried person took his place. I feel like the fears and dread I've been living with ease every day, letting me emerge into the realm of happy people once again. These past few months, I longed for a day when I could wake up happy again, and for the first time in a very long time, I am able to. I'm not really sure what it is — whether it's the potential boy, work or my amazing friends, but things just seem to be OK again.
I've been able to hit the East Lansing party scene again and have a little fun. I've missed getting dressed and going out with my friends. I stopped doing that after I found out my dad had cancer, I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy my time away from home. I felt like I was cheating my father and my family.
This weekend comes with the promise of even more fun, and maybe more of the potential boy, which makes me happy.
Things are looking up, and my city's being washed clean for a new beginning.

2007, getting better

2007-03-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, this year has gotten somewhat better.
My dad came through his surgery OK, but now he has to recover, which is going to take a while. I talk to my mom just about every day and get the scoop on what's happening back home. I'm glad things are starting to work out, and hopefully they will continue to do so.
I've been having more fun lately, which has been very good for me. I've returned to partying after a forced hiatus (a family crisis tends to kill my sense of fun).
I went to an awesome party for one of the interns last week, and it was really fun.
I got to spend time with my friends and actually talk about random things, without having to be super serious about life. That was wonderful.
And I met someone I like.
All in all, not a bad month so far.

Up and down

2007-03-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

I'm up and down.
2007 sucks ass, hard core. I don't think I've been this off my game in a very, very long time. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't fix the problems I and the people around me are facing. All I can do is sit back and go along for the ride, and it's killing me.
I go from being OK, almost normal, some days to being so angry on others. I want my life back. I want things to be normal again. I should be sitting in Florida on a beach right now, but instead I'm home and dealing with things I'd rather avoid. What did we do to deserve this? Why now? This year was supposed to be about getting a good internship, being an editor, turning 21 and having the time of my life. So far, all I've done is cry and have my days. The bad ones seem to be more frequent. I'm hoping everything will ease once I come back to my city.
All I want is my life back. I want things to return to normal. This year, and everything associated with it sucks.

A life divided

2007-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'm spending more time at home this semester.
My East Lansing life is going to have to chill for a while, whether I like it or not. I'm worried about my father. I don't really know what I'll do or how I'll function if I loose him — who will fix my car when it breaks for the 100,000 time?
Seriously. I don't think my father really understands me, but he loves me; this earns him a ton of points in my book. I'm not an easy person to love, but somehow, my family manages to do it. They penetrate the icy exterior I put up to protect my self.
Next weekend I'm going to party, drink, dance and get dressed up. I'll have fun while I can, because I've got a few hard months ahead. It's time to Kris it up for a while. I've been off my game, held back by fear.
Here's to some fun times and the trip ahead, for better or worse.

There ain't no mountain high enough

2007-02-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

Well, it's back.
Last week, the "Week of Hell," as I've come to call it, introduced an old enemy into my life. I had thought after our lengthy encounter during my sophomore and junior years of high school it was over. But, like an ex-boyfriend or rash, it just came back.
That's right folks, the Big C is officially back in my life.
I called my mom to find out if I'd been rejected by any newspapers for internships and that's when she told me. My dad, only in his late forties, had it. Prostate cancer. I about died on the phone.
I had watched my two aunts die a slow painful death from cancer and I wasn't ready to do it again. Things are moving quickly now. His surgery is in the coming weeks, possibly during spring break; then I can stay home to keep him healthy. Then maybe chemo and radiation. I'm
I'm dealing the best I can. I moved past anger and denial today, and I'm beginning to put on my strong face. This is going to take a lot out of me, my father and my family. But hey, we Turners are tough. My parents didn't raise a wimp.
So I'll stick it out for dad. I'm scared, but going forward.

Going home a week early

2007-01-29T23:09:00.000-08:00

I hadn't planned to return home until the end of this week.
My car needed work, I was running out of Calvin Klein undies and I started to miss my mother. As I stood in the middle of a raging party on Saturday, I decided to call Katie and tell her she was missing out on a killer party. Somewhat drunk, I grab the nearest cell phone, head to the porch and dial her cell.
She answers. She's upset.
After hearing that Ben, her younger brother, Fenton's Homecoming king, had been in a car crash and was in the hospital, I sobered up. The kid I'd watched grow into a young man was put into a medically induced coma. After a brief conversation with Katie, I flipped the phone shut and immediately began to cry. I couldn't control my emotions.
Sobbing, I walked to Taco Bell with a friend and then went to spend the night at Esther's apartment. The next morning, I awoke, got into Grandma and drove home. Walking into my parent's house, I started crying all over again. This wasn't fair. Senior year is supposed to be fun, free and happy. It's the last time in your life when you have the perks of adulthood, minus the worries of being an actual adult.
I showered, changed and headed to the hospital. The whole incident had taken a mental toll on me, but I knew I needed to go. Not for me. And not even so much for Ben. There was little I could do for him, but I needed to be there for everyone else. Seeing Katie, my best friend, that shaken when I walked in with her was and still is alarming. I don't like seeing her or any of my friends upset.
After spending a day at the hospital, I still was worried about Ben and his family. When I went back to East Lansing later that evening, I couldn't even begin to imagine what I would be like if it were my brother, who is the same age as Ben, in that bed.
But today, after much worry, Ben began to get better. It's all happening in baby steps. First the respirator goes, then the other tubes come out. He might be awake by the end of the week, which I find both comforting and exciting. And talking to Katie made me feel better today. I heard a change in her voice — it was confident and calm. I've been worried about her for days and it's good to know that she will be alright. Everything, now, I hope and pray, will return to normal.
Going home a week early was hard. I'll return either Thursday evening or Friday morning, hopefully to hug my friend and talk with Ben.

The Snow

2007-01-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

There are days when I want to go outside, lay down and let the snow cover my body.
Eventually, I would become lost beneath the surface of the pure white dust and wouldn't reemerge until the spring. Then, I would be somewhat different, if not better.
The winter is a time of reflection for me. Warm months mean I'm outside, tanning, slip and sliding (sometimes naked), drinking, hopping from one party to the next or just walking around in my big Armani sunglasses.
It's then that I am thinner, better looking — tan, toned and happy. Winter brings dry skin, blemishes and the need for artificial tanning.
Summer, get here soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can last. The cold is setting in, and I don't like it. Not one bit.

Another day, more stories

2007-01-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

When I started this semester, I wasn't sure about being the City Editor.
It's something I had wanted terribly for the past eight months, but when I finally got it, I was filled with the same feelings of being East Lasing for the first time. There was, of course, happiness, that I had achieved my goal. But then there was also a sense of panic and fear. The fear that I would fail. The pages would close late. No page one stories would be moved to Esther in time to edit.
But today, for the first time since assuming my post, I was able to put those fears aside. I'm settling into my new position, which I'm turning out to love. It's not Fall 2004 yet, but hopefully, but the end of the semester, we'll be there.
There is also something I've been wrestling with. I miss being the East Lansing reporter. Sure, I did the job four times. And sure, I wanted to die by the end of last semester. But I love this city and that beat. Municipal government reporting is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I find zoning codes cool. Sue me.
Anyway, I really do miss the job. Maybe I'll return in the future, to rock it out one last time. After all, I got called out at a party this weekend as "Kris, East Lansing Reporter," and I couldn't have been happier.

Here I am

2007-01-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

After several years of publishing, I have retired my homotastic blog.
It and its subject matter are no longer the main focus of my life. That blog chronicled my coming out as a gay man and the struggles I faced as I learned to cope with my sexuality and the adventures I had along the way.
This blog, Kris and the City, reflects my life in East Lansing. I've covered the city of East Lansing extensively in my work at The State News and have always considered East Lansing my own little version of Sex and the City. So, after a long break from blogging, here it is. My life in East Lansing, from the men I date (or don't), the friends I make, parties I attend and general feelings about the last few years of my life in college. I've grown up and not it's time to take things in a new direction. I hope you'll all watch me along the way.